Temporal Convection

The names of these gentlemen have been changed to protect their identities. We would not want their descendants to suffer as a result of their failings.

John Guiseppe

Mr Guiseppe, the son of a Kentucky Baptist minister, held office intermittently between 1806 and 1852. In 1806, he was appointed, not elected, to a seat in Congress, violating the Constitution by serving under the Congressional age limit of thirty. He never served more than a nine year stint before being resigning or being voted out of office, clearly showing that he could never make up his mind. He was the architect of several major deals, including one which limited the rights of citizens in United States territories to make their own property decisions. He was called the "Great Compromiser" by the contemporary media, a testament to his ideological flip-flops. He switched from the House to the Senate between terms, an unacceptable practice for somebody who wishes to properly influence American policy.

Furthermore, he failed at bids for President not once, but five times. He took strong views on property rights, causing a majority of the United States to reject him. At the end of one election, he commented that he would rather be right than President, signifying his stubborn refusal to moderate his extremely liberal views. According to biographers, he had the same electric and hypnotic speaking style later adopted in part by the fascist dictatorships prior to World War 2, with listeners claiming it was the most beautiful instrument they had ever experienced. He was also noted by his biting sarcasm, superficial research, half-knowledge and unwillingness to follow his propositions to their logical result. He was fond of alcohol, introducing several drinks to the Washington area that are still served to this day.

He was buried in a cemetery near his home in Kentucky. His epitaph attempted one final time to deny the ethnic and cultural diversity in America by reading, "I know no North, no South, no East, no West".

Samuel Tavington

Mr Tavington lived through several American wars, yet did not fight in any of them, choosing instead to produce a series of esoteric political statements. He was a Deist, like many rich white men at the time, and had professed doubts to his friends about the divinity of Jesus Christ. He was intimately involved with the French and enjoyed illicit sex with many of his servants, despite being married. He once claimed to have a "canine thirst for popularity".

He advocated a fastidious and pure lifestyle for women, believing that they should never be seen in public with a pin out of place. He commented in a letter on the cleanliness of women at the time, calling their slovenly hygiene disgusting and foul. He believed women should be restricted to housekeeping and childbearing, even outright declaring that he saw no reason to give them the vote. He felt that allowing women to join discussions with men would lead to sexual tension that might disrupt the pure intellectual nature of those discussions. It has been suggested that his personality led him to associate female sexuality with uncleanness, a view echoed by the ancient Hebrews in the book of Leviticus, which also declares homosexuality a sin.

His ventures as a politician led to the vast expansion of the territory of the United States by opening the way to the repression of its native people and environment. He was a poor public speaker and mumbled his way through his many speeches. He was cold and aloof to strangers, although warm and friendly with those friends who no doubt contributed highly to his election fund. He was disliked strongly by a large portion of the American people, who attacked him anonymously via the newspapers.

His personal views were influenced by European thinkers like Jean-Jacques Rousseau, a famed romantic philosopher who had an affair with his much older teacher when he was sixteen years old. He was also friends with avowed anti-Christian Thomas Paine. He also viewed most American thinkers as "second rate".

Thomas Soman

Thomas Soman was a statesman around the time of the Revolutionary War in America. He was a member of the committee for the Constitution but did not like the direction in which it was headed, and so abandoned the committee before the document was completed. In doing so, he also abandoned his friendship with that noble father of our country, George Washington. After the document was placed into office, Soman continued to agitate for his own ideas of what it should have been, ignoring the good judgment of the leaders of this country. He died in 1796 after so hounding the famous Founding Fathers that they eventually implemented eleven of his ideas to keep him quiet.

Soman was prolifically sexual, fathering some twelve children over twenty years with two different wives. Each of his children inherited this tendency, bearing the man some seventy grandchildren by the year 1800.

As you can see from his portrait, Soman was a rotund, unattractive man with a hooked nose. Clearly a man with such a demeanor belongs in a bakery or a fudge factory and not the seat of a President or Senator. He would never stand before a television camera or pose for a newspaper photograph in modern politics.

James Parker

Recently described as the original stud in American politics, Parker held powerful sway over the young American government.

Parker was a plantation owner who owned a bevy of slave men and women. His plantation, among other crops, cultivated hemp, otherwise known as marijuana. He publicly professed knowledge of the immorality of slavery. However, he refused to free those slaves he personally owned. He kept his personal slaves in miserable huts and did not provide them with proper clothing for the chilly weather that sometimes afflicted his location. One of Parker's slaves actually escaped the horrid conditions and fled to New Hampshire, where she lived out her life in relative freedom.

He was a non-religious man, often leaving church services prior to communion as a gesture of hatred toward the Christian church. When clergy complained that he was setting a poor example by leaving, he simply stopped showing up at all. Despite this, he publicly professed his religious beliefs, often asking for the blessings of Heaven, and once served as a lay officer for the Church of England. He is fortunate that his constituents were so gullible: such hypocrisy would never stand in a modern politician.

He was also a member of the Freemasons, a ritualistic pseudo-religious society that has been criticized for its secrecy and its propagation of a "good ol' boy" network. (Some modern critics even compare Freemasonry with a cult.) Upon being sworn into his government office, he demanded to swear upon a Masonic Bible, which he then kissed.

Parker's health was hideous. Having lost his teeth at a young age, he had them replaced by those of various animals, including elk and hippopotamus. During his lifetime, several men under his command were hanged for sedition and treason, for supposedly attempting to thwart his rule. He was not a virile man, having been made sterile by a case of tuberculosis. He also suffered from repeated episodes of gout.


Would you vote for these men? Why or why not?

Maybe you should highlight here:
Mr Guiseppe is Henry Clay. Mr Tavington is Thomas Jefferson. Mr Samon is George Mason. Mr Parker is George Washington. Mr Mason's eleven ideas were the Bill of Rights and the 11th Amendment. Yes, some of the biographical details are wrong, but, then, so are some of the biographical details commonly known about our current politicians.